D-..-..-..-S

Bella Luna...4:17
Mr. Curiosity...4:00
In a Manner of Speaking...3:58
For the Damaged...3:02
Cello Suite No 1 in G Major...2:26
Canon in D (Vienna Boys Choir)...3:40
Kyrie Eleison (de Taize)...2:44
... ... .:..
... ... .:..

Those were the songs I listened to within these last few days. Always in my playlist, turned it on even when I sleep or work at the office. Kept saying out loud by heart, "It's okay, you're fine" over and over again. Inhaled and exhaled long deep breaths, swallowing my own tears. Smiled to everyone around, held the tears tight in the corner of my eyes. Crossed my fingers more than I can count for the sake of sanity. Typed messages then cancelled the sending. Shook my head every single time the scenes turned and chased each other in mind. Lots of mineral water each time my heart beats fast. In hunger but couldn't eat anything. Then songs - those songs - played again. Memories appeared.

Loving and loosing just not my things. I could never stand myself properly, could not handle everything well. Loving and loosing scared me so well until it hurt, kind of scar that I would also scratch to those who walked beside me. I could never play my role as a good lover; I always turned out to be a looser. I should never be a lover, for I've always been a looser.

Those songs were the ones I listened to within the last few days. In loving and loosing I might not have the guts but at least I tried my courage. Those songs might reflect my regrets, regrets on having the guilt. Hopes and wishes won't do me any good, though hopes and wishes of all the best would I love to say to him. It was him, always been him right three weeks ago from now. If ever have the chance to turn back time, I would erase all I had towards him - whatever they meant to be.

Those songs are all I have, since I should wipe off all those loving and loosing. It indeed is a fast past, I can only hope this sorrow ends as it begun.