so then...

I finally came to the reason...the reason of you on leaving and run away...

Curang yaa..? Pintar.. Kenapa ngga ngomong? Kenapa ngga cerita? But yes, I do believe that God and time has their own way on letting us know the answer..

"Lagi di BI.. Mau jemput.."
Did you know how I feel by that time?
Aku sempat ngga bisa nangis lagi..But I cried that time... Had a hard day at work and decided to call you, another phonecall that I know you would miss.. But then you picked it up and said such words...
Aku pikir aku akan tetap menangis malam itu, aku bahkan mencari-cari sakitku sendiri karenamu... You failed.

Kau tidak bisa lebih buruk dari ini. Bagaimanapun kau yang pergi, and i didn't do anything. You are the one who lied, you are the one who left. You didn't keep your promise, you cheated on me.

But I'm okay. Thank God I never gave anything to you more than I could bear. At least I know who you are now after all that you've done.

Thank you. I might have been broken, but it energized me. I might have been hurt, but it only last for two weeks. I might have cried, but I'm coping tough. I might have regrets on knowing you, but I learned much. I might have missed you, but it's going on worthy. I might have let you go, it's the best i can do. Best for me, for my own self.

=)

It's just another ordinary morning..
When I sit, sip my coffee and there are thoughts of things;
of these, of sheets, of counting, of you.
Just another ordinary morning..
While I sit, working on stuffs and remembering things;
of regrets, of the past, of life, of you.
Another ordinary morning..
I just sit, light my cigarette and listening things;
my mind, my heart, the songs, the voices, of you.
Ordinary morning..
of me sitting still, hold myself from questioning things;
on why, on where, on how, on you.
Morning, such a morning..
with such a rhyme, rhymes in moaning..
on I, on us, on you.

Crescent Moon

Lima seri Stream of Thoughts yang aku post sebelumnya sempat terabaikan walau masih tersisa. Kumuat lagi di sini selain di DeviantArt untuk menepati janji pada diriku sendiri beberapa bulan yang lalu...

Stream of Thoughts #5

The sun shines, I thank it for you
It clears the path wipe off the blue
For once you thought I might be yours
Well here in heart you keep arose

I'm not a trophy
I'm much more worthy
Don't mention the glory
It was the secret went blurry

Scenario He owned, run by the time
Hoped it's you that's written on palm
At last I speak, this was my prime
I'm ever so sorry, never planned any harm

You were always so kind
You were always so warm
Now I feel like wasted
A waste for hesitated

Walk away as far as you wish
Never look back, I'm begging you please
Do leave me dear, grab your bliss
I'll still feel you here within the breeze

Turn around if ever you see me
I wouldn't stand those eyes of mystery
Though now I live in misery
I know it's you that kept me breathe

It's always been him, said I
And will always be, cried I
By this I come to say goodbye
I've framed you here, do fly, go by


Farewell
--Dorothea Diba--

(November 2008) __ dedicated to Charlie.

Stream of Thoughts #4

Couldn't stop the tears that night
Such a long time we have passed
Came to see you, a long lost friend
But there I was, so many to pretend

I cried in the arms of a friend of mine
She asked me to calm the flame of pine
Cheered me with words and comforts that time
It felt like having wide scars in lime

For goodness sake, how I loved thee
Realized in sudden, that love lies here
So still in grace, refused to shrink
Too long in silence, poison to drink

My dearest one, I never played around
You said I danced in your passion
As for you, it took me long to found
I never wound, all we had was compound

If only I shut the laughter and smile
You would have seen the hope I bear
Been for years held it in style
A silly old me for never too dare

My dearest one it's always a yes
If only you asked, I'd come to confess
Don't ever sorry for something you called test
'Cause yes it should be towards the best

But far too late, you've gone away
Far to the mars with such a sway
Too painful this is, awkward to feel
Time will show the way to heal

Stream of Thoughts #3

I shouldn't be named after the moon
The crescent's too high for such a noon
For I'm heated and lived in hell
I couldn't stand the ache so well

Remove his number, that's what he asked
And so did I, it was a task
Was proud I am to wrote it back
Behind the poets you gave in hand

I never stopped, my dear, those thoughts of you
Even in pain I questioned where were you
I hid the things that remind me of you
Every time I prayed, I pray for you

As time went by loyalty demands
Dishonest I was to clear out the mess
I stayed and promised never to look back
On pasts I had avoid the evil act

A year gone by then there was goodbye
Betrayed I was, abandoned in pale
Direction I followed took granted in hollow
Unpleasant I was, invited the sorrow

Ashamed of mistakes that lead to die
Hardly forgiven the guilt of delight
Should have settled for him whose heart was I
Searched back for the prince I once denied

Should have been you, but who's to blame
We never could, too scared of harm
This sad story came in fame
The passion I had in peace so calm

Stream of Thoughts #2

Months go by with no confess
Poets you sent such beauty in rhymes
I asked and asked to no one but I
If only I demand, these dice won't lie

Sincere you were but fake I was
Faithful you were but foolish I was
Truths I had, I see you weren't through
Such an ego, can't you see I always in the front row

So there you were still speaking in silence
Written in charm, should spoken in clearance
My dear, my love, always you in mind
Damn this old self for being so blind

I wait and wait, never had you come
Certain then I, you never aimed for love
In broken I accepted one else
The one I thought a knight to erase

Locked up and hurt
Banged and blood
The tears had fallen and blown
Hoped for his love my very own

Stood by him arrested by vow
Never could I ask for more
That evil heart burned me so slow
By nights I heard your voice too low

That man wasn't the one, I moaned
All I asked was someone for whom I'm Crescent Moon
Barely stand on feet to run
The vow to obey hid will to hunt

Stream of Thoughts #1

Cry my tears again tonight
I feel the clouds gained here in sight
See the sky almighty past
Confuse to wipe despair in heart

Do come sunshine
I'm longing to die
For he was real in blue
Could see how I was too

I blame acquaintance that came too slow
Ages it took, regretful grow
How come it was such heart denied
Moron I was, for years I lied

Didn't you know to stay await
Just to had you come and sit
Say all those in sake of honesty
Treats I awaked for, be healed in remedy

My sun still absent
My night you never brighten
Alas, the reach I failed!
Such an iceberg you have been

You chilled me in vain
My only dearest man
If it seems like being blamed
Pardon me for being puzzled

Anxiety there was by the mystified you
Silence you gave with nothing but pure
Doubts I had so much so true
Whether my home I'd find in you

Sarapan. Berpindah dari bangku yang satu ke bangku lainnya karena hampir di setiap sudut ada dia. Menghapus dari handphone, facebook atau media manapun yang memungkinkanku melihatnya. Berkali-kali menoleh, barangkali ia datang. Di tengah keriuhan pagi yang masih muda ini, aku sepi. Aku sepi...

D-..-..-..-S

Bella Luna...4:17
Mr. Curiosity...4:00
In a Manner of Speaking...3:58
For the Damaged...3:02
Cello Suite No 1 in G Major...2:26
Canon in D (Vienna Boys Choir)...3:40
Kyrie Eleison (de Taize)...2:44
... ... .:..
... ... .:..

Those were the songs I listened to within these last few days. Always in my playlist, turned it on even when I sleep or work at the office. Kept saying out loud by heart, "It's okay, you're fine" over and over again. Inhaled and exhaled long deep breaths, swallowing my own tears. Smiled to everyone around, held the tears tight in the corner of my eyes. Crossed my fingers more than I can count for the sake of sanity. Typed messages then cancelled the sending. Shook my head every single time the scenes turned and chased each other in mind. Lots of mineral water each time my heart beats fast. In hunger but couldn't eat anything. Then songs - those songs - played again. Memories appeared.

Loving and loosing just not my things. I could never stand myself properly, could not handle everything well. Loving and loosing scared me so well until it hurt, kind of scar that I would also scratch to those who walked beside me. I could never play my role as a good lover; I always turned out to be a looser. I should never be a lover, for I've always been a looser.

Those songs were the ones I listened to within the last few days. In loving and loosing I might not have the guts but at least I tried my courage. Those songs might reflect my regrets, regrets on having the guilt. Hopes and wishes won't do me any good, though hopes and wishes of all the best would I love to say to him. It was him, always been him right three weeks ago from now. If ever have the chance to turn back time, I would erase all I had towards him - whatever they meant to be.

Those songs are all I have, since I should wipe off all those loving and loosing. It indeed is a fast past, I can only hope this sorrow ends as it begun.

Heiy, you. Yeah, you. You would know who I mean here by the time you read this. Disappearing, aren't you? Though still here, there and everywhere. I'm missing you. S**t.

Mbak Nina

"Aku ngga mau dipanggil Mbak... jadi, kalo misalnya aku nyapa 'Mbak Ninaa....', Mbak jawabnya, 'haiiii dibaaa...'"...

Ever since then, setiap aku menyapa, dalam konteks apapun, sosok bertubuh ramping nan ramah ini hampir bisa dipastikan menjawab sesuai dengan permohonanku, "Haii Diba.....".
We've met more than once but never talked much. Began to chit-chat since I met her in Facebook - it comes as one of my routine activity while in work...

Nice and warm hearted, a supporting person. Charming at the first sight, I should say. Semoga tidak terlalu terkesan memuji. Bukan apa-apa, aku sering punya penyesalan mendalam setelah memuji seseorang setulus apapun itu sesungguhnya.. =)

Anyhow, I'm ever so glad to find a person like you, just like when I found Mbak Mimi. God bless you both, ever. =)

How long has it been since the last time I prayed this?
How long has it been since the last time I spent to read the Bible and have thoughts in silence before I fell asleep?
How long has it been since the last time I made myself up early just to come to the very first Sunday morning service?
How long has it been since the last 'Rosario' or even 'Novena' prayers I had?

It seems like it's been ages and I've walked away too far. I miss Him. I honestly do.

And so he asked. He read it – and asked. I don’t know whether there would be any use of talking about it. Talks of how we really feel, questions of why and how. I’d rather stay this way, remain doing whatever it is that I have to do. All these heart matters can come last afterwards.

It doesn’t mean that I’m disgraced of all these, doesn’t mean that every single thing and second I had with him doesn’t even mean a thing. It’s just something about gambling. Gambling on whether I myself strong enough to traverse a new road; whether I could accept somebody else to walk beside me or not; whether I can face any unpredictable situations that I might have in the future; whether I’m ready to love someone with all my heart.

There’s something called priority and this kind of thing isn’t included in my list. As I said, I wouldn’t do anything to harm myself anymore. If ever these seeds grow, I would prefer to plant them alone. So then, questions would all be left as questions. I don’t need any answers; I just need to spit them out. It might seems like pretending, but I care none. Though indeed I care, I’ll try my best to say none.

The Mess - A Short Story comes to an End

Dimas. How often have friends of mine heard of this name? A man of laughter and joy, of comfort and more. Have known him for almost three weeks by now – such a short time of knowing somebody thoroughly. It was always beautiful at the beginning but things turned out upside down when it comes to the end. I know I shouldn’t use the ‘end’ word for there never was a beginning of anything on both of us.

Still, I can’t lie how this man brought many things into my life within the last few weeks. He convinced me well, he taught me much. Now that I realize nothing lasts forever, I’m ever so glad to have prepared my own self on loosing those warmth and kindness since he changed into a dark cold man. Though he really meant to step out, he would have the honor on having his own corner here in heart and mind.

When you’re weary…
Feeling small…
When tears are in your eyes…
I’ll dry them all…

I’m on your side…
When times get rough…
And friends just can’t be found…
Like a bridge over troubled water…
I will lay me down…

Simon & Art Garfunkel – Bridge over Troubled Water

Siz? How are you doing? I smiled and cried at the same time when I read your blog on my way to work this morning. Tried to submit two comments with no luck and decided to write them down here in my own though not with the exact same words nor sentences.

There were times when my Mom used to send me messages saying “A prayer can go through everything, everywhere… Remember, my prayer will always be with you.” I would like to give those words to you now that we rarely see each other, but best friends stay in heart – I bet you knew that.

I myself still trying hard in facing this new life of mine. It isn’t easy to release all you’ve had within such a long time, including our daily activities. Sometimes I even imagined how you would sit right next to me at my lunch hours, or how I would talk of things while I’m on my way back from work. I asked myself several times whether you really were okay or were you just pretending. I wondered when would we be able to had dinner together again or even a brunch.

Well I’m not going anywhere, Siz. I’m not going anywhere. Like they said, best friends stay in heart.

In Heart and Mind of Love #1

Hey Mr. Curiosity
Is it true what they've been saying about you
Well are you killing me
You took care of the cat already
And for those who think it's heavy
Is it the truth
Or is it only gossip
Call it mystery or anything
Oh just as long as you call me
I sent the message on did you get it when I left it
Said well this catastrophic event
It wasn't meant to mean no harm
But to think there's nothing wrong is a problem, oh

I'm looking for love this time
Sounding hopeful but it's making me cry…

Mr. Curiosity – Jason Mraz

Lagu ini – dan Bella Luna – yang paling sering kudengarkan dalam beberapa hari terakhir. Doesn’t it seem like there’s one certain person behind what I feel toward these songs? In fact, no. There isn’t anyone. Mengingatkanku akan seseorang memang, tapi ternyata tak cukup kuat untuk membuatku membeku sebagaimana dulu.

I did miss him. Much. But that was all I can do, everything I could give. Sekarang saat hidup berubah ekstrim dalam waktu singkat, aku bahkan mencari rasa yang dulu. Merindukan rinduku dulu. Bertanya-tanya apakah betul telah pergi. Memancingnya dengan kenangan; membaca semua tulisan dan puisi darinya, mendengarkan lagu yang ia sukai, mengumpulkan serpih sosoknya di kedua titik mataku. I came up to nothing.

Dalam hampir satu bulan, waktu dan keadaan bermurah hati mempercepat laju hidupku – dalam pengambilan keputusan, penentuan prioritas, dan banyak hal lain yang menyertai. Aku tidak pernah benar-benar siap untuk ketiba-tibaan seperti ini, tapi aku harus. Mulai dari melepaskan satu demi satu keseharianku hingga menebas kenangan. Ada saat-saat aku mencari-carinya di sini, di hati. Saat aku kembali ke kamarku pada malam hari, menghempaskan tubuh ke atas tumpukan bantal dan menatap langit-langit. Atau saat aku menikmati coklat panasku di pagi hari sambil menatap kosong jauh melewati balkon kamarku. Still, I came up to nothing.

Lalu ada sosok lain, datang tepat pada pergantian tahun. Di balik seluruh rasa nyaman dan senang saat bersamanya, aku tidak dapat menghapus takut dan amarah akan lelaki. Di balik semua peluk dan cium, aku tidak dapat menghilangkan luka kotorku. Hampir tiga minggu berlalu, ia mulai berubah. Aku selalu mencintai bongkahan es batu dalam minuman dinginku, tapi tidak seperti ini – bukan sosok hidup yang membeku.

Aku tidak ingin menangis lagi karena satu lelaki – sosok yang kutahu akan segera pergi tepat pada saat ia datang. Aku tidak ingin mengais lagi untuk sesuatu yang tak akan pernah pasti. Aku tidak ingin menghabiskan tenagaku untuk mengasihi sosok yang kutahu tidak akan mengasihiku. Aku tidak mau terluka lagi, aku tidak mau menyakiti diriku lagi untuk mengaburkan pedihku.

Jadi dengan semua kisah yang kupunya, dengan begitu banyak warna yang ada, I would try my best to keep my nothingness – in heart and mind of love.

Untitled - 1

Gazing out the window
Wonder how hesitated I feel now that I'm older
Kicking the shadow
Asking why should this be hard more than ever
Shooting the mars
As if its lonesome lasts forever
Mind runs so fast
Hoping this life would kindly turn better

Oh now dear sorrow
I never thought you would come this soon
This woman's in hollow
Refusal of demands be heated as in noon
Warmth do come over
Still shiver stays in calm
Hands tight together
Raise prayers of all harm

Gazing out the window
Staring at scenes of times she's been older
Kicking the shadow
Pretending all things brighter than ever
Shooting the mars
She knew she'll be fine forever
Mind runs so fast
Her life would surely turn better

Balcony

Watching the drizzles as I stand in balcony
With stilettos on and black gown, I'm shimmering
Wondering around, should I get some pictures of me
Waiting here until you come and set me free

Always have I dreamed of this
A man appears with flowers wear tees
Again I smile, stay for the happy ending
At night like this everything seems complete

Classical tunes repeats clearly
Chopin dear, thank you, your music's lovely
Clapping is heart from deep in here
Cloudy sky doesn't disturb this joy of me

Smiling still, I move a bit
So long in stand, need chair to sit
Shall I call him in case he's asleep
Shall I just wait, he wouldn't belated

Black watch of mine, what's the time
Be here soon, wouldn't my man
Back I go, in with mime
Be patient, said I, denying disappointment

Dear mirror on the wall
Does this gorgeousness certainly fall
Do your best, convince me well
Dying to see him, it feels like hell

He will not come, the same as yesterday
Honesty I need not lies to say
Hear me now, sweet mirror of mine
Hurts so bad, I've lost my mind

Back I go step into the balcony
Blast off the stilettos I'll still go on shimmering
What to wonder, I'll still get pictures of me
Why should wait, I myself would set me free